Zen Tennis makes life and leadership easier because you play the player, rather than suffer from the shot they send your way.

A colleague throws you under the bus during a meeting, your boss shows no enthusiasm for your report, your partner gets pissed about the milk you forgot to buy . . . life is full of interactions like these which can spoil the day.  Even worse, they can quickly lead to spirals of fear, doubt, and anger: How can I work with her?  How can I stay at this job? Is this relationship for me?

Rather than leaving the meeting to bad mouth your colleague, rather than walking out of your boss’s office to check the want ads, rather than yelling back at your partner, try to see these interactions as a back and forth, a game, the person on the other side playing shots that are less about you and more about the court they are in.

Is your colleague attacking you?  Maybe, and maybe you should avoid them in the future.  But maybe they knew you were prepared for that meeting and what looked like an attack was a kind of serve with  “I am nervous I will be exposed” written on the ball.  Avoiding them or leaving the meeting grumbling to a friend means you respond to their shot, not to who they are.  To ask them “What’s up?’ and to offer your help instead, to say, “Anyway I can help you shine in the next meeting” may turn a would-be enemy into a trusted ally.

And sure, your boss’s lack of enthusiasm for your work may need to step it up or, maybe this is just her “I am overwhelmed” drop shot and the last thing you want to do.  “Boss, anything you need” might go a lot further than, “Can we take time out of your busy schedule to make sure I still have a future here.”

Of course, it is serious that your partner is yelling, but surely this is a baseline shot that tells you something else is going on.  Forgetting the milk can’t be the cause of anger and yelling back, as you may want to, “get the milk yourself and stop yelling at me” will get you nowhere.  Any return shot is better than that. “I love when you yell.”  or “Let’s go back to the store together and hold hands on the way” or “what’s wrong” will go further than playing in the field of broken hearts.

Ideally, of course, most relationships don’t require thinking through your return because you are playing together and the trust therein means your colleague can say, “oops, sorry, I screwed up there,” just as your boss knows to say “good job,” your partner how to get upset at your screw-ups so as to deflate resentment rather than build it.  But often people are mysterious or we do not know them well enough or we react and respond rather than give it a bit of distance, think about where they are, and then, as intelligently, generously, and tactically as we can, offer our return.

Bob sends a fabulously patronizing email reminding you of all the things you should be doing and how you should be doing them. Option one: Boil and seethe about this attack. Option two: read Bob’s email for information about Bob. Was this his “I wanted the job you got” serve? His “I am intimidated to work with a woman,” drop shot? Or just his standard, “I only know how to micro-manage” base-line backhand? Bob may be an ass, but to see what he and others do in the context of what it says about who they are, rather than just as judgment of you and your work makes the drama going on around you less painful and easier to manage. O.K. Bob. That’s your shot? Here’s mine.